"Jerkface Extraordinaire"

Tilly vs. Law and Order SVU

2008-04-08T21:46:00.002-05:00

I can't tell whether she loves it or really hates it, but either way my dog Tilly has a pretty extreme reaction whenever the Law and Order SVU theme song comes on the tv. It's only the Special Victims Unit one, the other Law and Order songs don't seem to bother her.

It's the same every time, weird crying noises ending with full on howling. And she is usually trying to crawl all over me while doing it, perhaps she is trying to 'protect' me from the music? I'm not sure, all I know is that I have a very weird dog.

I am a procrastinator.

2008-01-10T04:52:00.000-05:00

It's true. Once a month or so I end up staying up all night to get stuff done that I have put off. Tonight I am up doing client billing and laundry. Fun times.

Things have been really great lately. I actually enjoyed Christmas and New Year's this year. I had decided after Thanksgiving that there was no way I could deal with my family for Christmas so I spent it with friends down here in Boston. It was very relaxing. I went to Maine for a short visit with the family the weekend after, and it was decent. I think I'm learning to accept the situation for what it is.

I think 2008 is going to be a good year. I feel like I did a lot of work on myself in the past year, and I'm now starting to see the payoff in my life. It's a good feeling.

Thanksgiving

2007-11-25T11:34:00.001-05:00

I am really struggling to like my family. Now that my Grams is gone it has become all too apparent that the rest of us don't really get along all that well. Well, it's apparent to me at least, the rest of them seemingly want to pretend that everything is fine. I try to talk to them about it and I'm almost always met with exclamations about how I must have misconstrued that nasty thing they just said, or how they don't see the problem I'm talking about. It's complete BULLSHIT since I spend most of my time in Maine cringing at the things they say to each other, that is when I'm not hiding in my room.

It's exhausting, and my tolerance for it is quickly running out. I'm sick of feeling like the only grownup in the room, and it makes me miss my Grams more than ever. I sat at that Thanksgiving table and felt completely alone as I watched the rest of my family bicker and taunt each other. And the worst part of it was afterwards when my uncle sincerely said, 'well that was a nice Thanksgiving!' And he was genuinely surprised when I turned to him and said that I thought it was horrible.

I guess I can be thankful that I have higher standards for my life and my relationships. And I'm definitely thankful that I can come home to Boston and I don't have to deal with that stuff all the time.

NYC adventure

2007-10-13T13:19:00.000-05:00

I just made my hotel and travel reservations to go to NYC next month for a weekend. It's kind of a big deal for me, I can't remember the last time I went somewhere other than Maine. Hell, I barely ever even leave my neighborhood.

It's hard for me to get out of Boston for the weekend because I usually have work stuff going on, and when my Grams was alive I felt like any weekend I had free I had to go up to Maine to see her. I don't have that obligation anymore so I figure I need to take advantage of that now and try to take some weekend trips to other places. Maine is lovely and all, but it sure doesn't feel like a vacation for me. I generally come back even more stressed than when I left. I think New York will be fun and exciting and if I go about it the right way it will even be relaxing. I decided to take Amtrak instead of the bus, I think the extra money will be worth it to not have to be worried about the bus careening through some guard rail. And I also booked an appointment for a massage at Bliss in Soho, for first thing Saturday morning. I figure I might as well start the weekend off right!

Definitely looking forward to this, it should be just what the doctor ordered.

Not quite a new day.

2007-10-06T05:34:00.000-05:00

In Maine for the weekend...can't sleep. It's now early morning and I'm still laying in bed wide awake listening to my uncle snoring in the next room.

It's easier when I'm in Boston, though I won't go as far as to say that I ever forget that she's gone. Every day I think of some little thing I want to tell her and have to hold back from reaching for the phone. But being in Maine is confronting the true reality of it all, and dealing with the fallout of how things will now change.

She was pretty much the only one who ever really took care of me, and now that she is gone I feel very alone in the world. Sure, I have my mom and my uncle, but it's not the same...I definitely worry about them far more than they worry about me. There is really no one in my life checking in and making sure that I'm ok, so now I have to make extra sure that I take care of myself, because no one else is going to do it. And while I've been self-sufficient for a good long time, there is still something about having a safety net that is very comforting, and it is subsequently disconcerting when it gets taken away.

The interesting thing about being raised by a grandparent is that you inevitably lose your parent at a younger age than most people do, but you also have the 'benefit' of being able to prepare for it. But that is certainly a lot of pressure, sometimes I think that it would have been easier if I hadn't been prepared, because I would have somehow been 'allowed' to fall apart. Of course the reality is that instead of falling apart I have an obligation to myself and my family to step up and to grow up and to consequently be the person I've been preparing to be.

Day is Done

2007-08-28T13:17:00.000-05:00

My grams passed away last night, at about 2:00 a.m. I was by her side, holding her hand, as it happened. I'm grateful that I got to be there with her as she went, and I think she was waiting for me to arrive before she made her departure. She was comfortable and free of pain at the end, though not really conscious because of all the morphine. I do think there was awareness at some level. I'd like to think that she knew I was there by her side.

I'm in Maine with my family for the day. We went to breakfast together this morning and have been calling the extended family and friends all day. There will be some sort of memorial service in a couple of weeks.

I was putzing around the house about an hour ago and came across an envelope shoved under some papers on the kitchen counter. It had my name on it in my grandmothers writing. Inside were some articles about gardening torn out of the newspaper. I suspect she had asked my uncle to give it to me and he never got around to it.

I'm so glad that I took up gardening this year. I did it for her. It gave her some purpose to be able to advise me on what to plant and how to tend to things, even if it was from her nursing home bed. My last visit with her was a little over a week ago and I brought a bunch of cherry tomatoes from my garden. She loved them and ate a whole bunch, despite the fact that she was already pretty sick and nauseous from the increased morphine in her system.

It is a pretty heavy experience to intimately share in someone's passing. I'm sure I will be turning it over in my mind for a long time to come. But I know that death is ultimately a part of life, and my grams lived a long full happy life. She was one of the most vibrant, charismatic people you could ever meet. A born leader. Even at the end, she charmed the pants off every single person that worked at the nursing home. I can only hope that I carry on for her in some way and somehow embody some of the traits that served her so well through life.

Random Thoughts: The Insomniac Edition

2007-08-14T03:45:00.000-05:00

--I was super productive tonight but it wound me up too much and now I can't sleep for the life of me.
--My garden is doing pretty well, I had an abundance of sugar snap peas and some radishes, both of those are done now. I've got 11 tomato plants that are full of tomatos that are just starting to turn red. I'm going to be up to my ears in tomatos pretty soon. I've also got cantaloupe and watermelon growing, the biggest one is the size of a softball right now.
--I recently purchased a new car, my dream car in fact. I loooooove it. Yes, it's already filled with dog hair.
--I've got a roommate now, a good friend of mine who moved back from Austin. It's pretty awesome to have someone around...truthfully, I was lonely at times living alone.
--Been working a lot lately and feeling overwhelmed and a tiny bit burned out. I desperately need a vacation, but it's not going to be financially feasible for a good bit of time. Haven't had a vacation in over three years now.
--Looking forward to fall but I'm also sad that summer is almost over. I've only been to the beach twice this summer. I did go camping a couple of weekends ago which I hadn't done for a few years.
--I'm generally pretty content with life these days, which usually means that some big drama is right around the corner.
--I'm clearly not as into my blog as I used to be. I'll still update occasionally, I'm not giving it up completely. But, I'm generally a little less trusting than I used to be and there is something about sharing details about your life on the internet that now makes me uncomfortable.

To Kill a Mockingbird

2007-07-15T01:12:00.001-05:00

Seriously. If one wanted to actually kill a mockingbird, how would one go about it?

Hypothetical question, obviously. Though it should be noted that there is currently a mockingbird doing it's best car alarm impression outside my bedroom window. At 2:15 a.m. Yeah.

Randomissimo

2007-04-16T22:55:00.000-05:00

--No, I don't have "baby fever". I'll pass on that particular joy of life. Though I am happy to be 'Auntie Jen'.
--I planted a bunch of seeds indoors to prepare for my garden. So far the tomatoes, marigolds, cantaloupe, and watermelon are sprouting. I also planted mint, impatiens, and butterfly flowers and am waiting for them to poke their little heads out. And that is just the stuff I started indoors. I have more stuff to plant outdoors once it's warmer.
--My phone pooped out on me today so I guess I have to suck it up and get a new one. It came at a bad time, I'm really broke right now.
--Once again I have procrastinated on my taxes and will have to file an extension. I fail at life.
--So sick of the damn rain.
--I am feeling very little interest in riding with Scul this year. I'm sort of sad about it. I don't want to force myself to do it if it doesn't seem like I'll have fun though. I'll probably go to a ride when it gets warmer though and I hope it rekindles the feelings of joy I used to have for it. I don't know, maybe I've just grown out of it? Blah. I don't want to grow out of things, I'm too grown up as it is.
--I feel like I'm getting drawn into other people's drama lately. I think it's probably unavoidable sometimes but it's still annoying. It's like I'm getting all the bullshit without any of the benefits of having something exciting going on in MY life.

I'm in love...

2007-04-03T00:19:00.000-05:00

I'm in love...with my friends baby. It's so weird! I have never, ever, ever, ever felt this way about a child before. I didn't even like kids when I WAS a kid!! But for some reason I am totally enamored with this child. Her name is Nia and she is totally and completely amazing. And I've only seen her once!! But she is perfect, she really is.

I've had other friends that have had children but I think this was different because I see Regan so often. So, I have gotten to see her throughout her pregnancy, with her belly growing and her talking to me about what it feels like and her feelings about the whole thing. I found myself getting super excited on their behalf and then when they had the baby I was really very moved by their happiness.

So, it's weird. I have never really understood what the big deal with babies was, but I guess I do now. It's not like I want to have my own or anything, but I feel like something inside of me has changed and it's freaking me out a little.

I am looking forward to her growing and getting older and all that goes along with that. I know that Ben and Regan will be great parents and I hope I get to be a part of that kid's life in an 'Auntie Jen' kind of way.

So, does this make me a 'kid person'? I don't know. I certainly don't like all kids, or even most kids. But I am more understanding of why other people ARE 'kid people'. Kids really can be neat if they have the right parents.

Randomosity

2007-03-28T19:57:00.000-05:00

I haven't been random in awhile so I've got a bunch built up. Here we go.

--I'm sad because one of my favorite doggies passed away recently. He had cancer for awhile and he fought the good fight. RIP Drexel, my pal. I hope you are off galivanting with Molly at the dog park in the sky.
--My good friends Regan and Ben, are having their baby today!!! So exciting, especially because they chose not to find out the sex beforehand. I'm liking kids more and more these days, especially babies and toddlers. I think it's because I've been exposed to some pretty cool ones in the past year or so. It's kinda neat when they start to talk and interact with you.
--After being on the waiting list for about two years I finally got a plot in the community garden of my choice. I have been trying to cultivate a green thumb for awhile now and have successfully kept about four houseplants alive for the past six months or so. I think I am ready to take the step to full on gardening. I have to go see the plot and then I will decide what I am going to plant based on how sunny/shady, size, etc.
--I am in the awesome position of feeling like I'm working all the freaking time and I am making more money than ever before, however I am also extremely broke. My housing expenses have literally doubled since buying this condo and even though I'm making more money, I am also not exactly making double. I will be fine once I get a roommate but until then I am barely scraping by. It's starting to get to me a little bit, and when my friend said she was covering our dinner out last week I almost cried in gratitude.
--I'm SO anxious for it to really be spring. I feel very strongly right now that I NEED it to be warm and sunny. I don't normally let weather dictate my emotions like this but for some reason I can't help it right now.
--Tilly is still great and I am so happy to have her.

Just say NO to snow.

2007-03-17T00:53:00.000-05:00

I'm thoroughly annoyed. And slightly drunk. And my dog just tried to burrow under the blanket but then looked up at me all of a sudden with the blanket still attached to her nose. It was cute and made me LOL. But now she is all insistent with the look that says, 'I want to lie on top of your face and nothing else will do'. Did I mention I was slightly drunk?

Oh, back to annoyance with snow. So, I work outdoors. This we know. So, while all of you are tucked away in your cubicle farms I am trudging through whatever good ol' Mother Nature throws at me. Days like this, I spend swearing under my breath for most of the day. My job also involves a good bit of driving, picking up and dropping off of playgroup dogs since I can't exactly walk six dogs to the dog park. Well, I suppose I could but it would take a lot longer than it would need to. Anyway, today was pretty hard, and at the end of the day I ended up just parking at my house and walking dogs home because the driving was so bad.

After I was done I met my friend for dinner at the Alchemist, which is one of my favorite places to dine. She had just gotten her tax return so she treated me to dinner, for which I am eternally grateful for. I am pretty much completely broke lately, absolutely no room for splurges and fancy dinners. It was a lovely meal, and I am sad that she is moving to Salem and I won't see her as often. Afterwards I went to a party that wasn't very populated due to the storm. Still fun though and stumbling distance from my house so how can you go wrong? I am now watching Conan and snuggling with the dog.

I would be very happy if I woke up tomorrow morning and all this snow was gone. I'm just sayin'.

I have a porch!

2007-03-13T19:35:00.000-05:00

It took a really warm day and time change evening lightness for me to remember the awesomeness of such a thing, but I HAVE A PORCH!!!!

I am currently sitting on said porch with my dog, a bottle of wine, my laptop, a magazine, and a plate which held my dinner until about two seconds ago. Heaven.

I plan to get a small barbecue and lots of plants and windchimes and best of all I'm going to build a porch swing and have lots of colorful pillows on it. I think it will be nice to eat dinner on my porch every night that weather allows.

The story of my life.

2007-03-04T20:21:00.000-05:00

Apparently they made a movie about me.

Alive and well.

2007-02-25T23:54:00.000-05:00

I've had a nasty cold for the past week. Been pretty much glued to my couch whenever I wasn't working, doing nothing more than drifting in and out of consciousness, half watching crappy movies and endless law and order episodes, surrounded by huge piles of used kleenex and half eaten bowls of chicken noodle soup. It's been a lovely week, to say the least.

Halfway through the week cabin fever set in, depite the fact that I was still feverish and coughing up my lungs. So, when I woke up feeling mostly human this morning I knew I needed to get the fuck out of the house. So I went to brunch with some friends and then proceeded to bar hop for the rest of the afternoon, getting good and buzzed on mimosas and eventually Magner's. It was just the medicine I needed. Really, there's nothing like getting drunk to cure all that ails!

Indulgences

2007-02-13T19:16:00.000-05:00

I've been on a sangria kick lately, ever since I made a batch for my party. It's just super easy and tasty and I've got all these bottles of wine leftover from the party. I generally prefer white wine for drinking but red is perfect for sangria, especially the cheap stuff. I'm probably making what would be considered 'ghetto' sangria since I think that real sangria involves rum or something. So, I just mix cheap red wine with whatever juice I have on hand plus some ginger ale or sprite to give it a little fizz. I also slice up some lemons or limes or oranges or all three and throw them in and let it all sit for a few hours. Actually I usually add the fizzy stuff after it's sat for a bit, right before drinking. And that is my patented sangria recipe. Really, the idea of me giving out 'recipes' is pretty laughable considering that my idea of cooking usually involves frozen or boxed food. I'm getting better though, now that I have a full sized kitchen with a real stove. Not being limited to a microwave, toaster oven, and hot plate really opens up your options apparently.

I have also been taking more baths now that I have a full sized tub/shower. Some of you may remember my bathroom in my last apartment which had the most ridiculously small stand up shower. Seriously, it was like showering in a tiled coffin. Anyway, tonight I made myself a pitcher of sangria and poured myself a bath. Lit some candles and perched my laptop on the top of the toilet and watched an episode of Lost I had on the laptop while drinking sangria in the tub. 'Twas lovely.

Procrastination

2007-02-12T01:09:00.000-05:00

I think I just constantly struggle with the procrastination issue but sometimes it's worse than others. I am having one of those phases where it's really bad. I am really behind on client billing and other sorts of office work type stuff. Ugh, it actually makes me feel really shitty to have that feeling nagging at me all the time. I wish I could successfully give myself a good kick in the pants.

Anyway, I do have a dog now and that is keeping me very busy and holding most of my attention. She is adjusting to living in the city and she enjoys going to the dog park and meeting lots of other dogs. She is a little snuggler and likes to sleep under the covers, curled up into a little ball, but pressed up against my leg as tight as possible so that I won't forget she's there. I am getting used to being a dog mommy again and I'm grateful that all the preparations I did the past couple of months are finally paying off. My life isn't exactly how I'd like it to be but when the hell is it ever going to be? Very likely never.

Damn that Bernie...

2007-01-25T02:10:00.000-05:00

The thing about being friends with the bartender is that when it's your birthday (especially yoru 30th BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!) you get forced to do a billion shots. Or maybe it's a a trillion shots. Or a quazxilliuon shots. Regardless I am home now and I keep having to backspace. So it must be a good night, right??? Backspace=good night.

So. Tonight started out kinda bad. All depresed and stuff. But it ended all right. Not perfect. But okay. Yeah.

Hmm.

2007-01-07T19:03:00.000-05:00

I'm all out of sorts right now, everything in my life has just changed so much recently that I don't quite have a grasp of what it all means. I feel like all the hard work I've done to put my life on the right track is now paying off but my greatest fear is that when the dust settles I'll still be unhappy and confused.

I'll be 30 soon and I'll be happy to leave my 20's behind. Not that I think a passing birthday will really make a difference in my day to day life, but there is something symbolic about it that I can't quite put into words. I think it has to do with changing priorities, I've found that I'm becoming more focused on accomplishing long term goals, and I'm also putting less energy into things that don't really matter. I have a real desire to connect with people on a deeper level now, I have less of a focus on casual friendships and I'm finding more value in the relationships I have with the people who have stuck by me through thick and thin.

A friend of mine was cleaning out her email and told me she found some emails from me from almost a year ago. I won't go into what they were about but her response to me was a sort of shock at how much can change in a year. It made me a little sad because I can remember how I felt at that time...I felt like I had everything figured out. And now I'm in this tailspin of confusion, so much so that I don't even remember what I'm so confused about. But that's life I guess...just when you think you've got your shit together, life comes back around and kicks you in the proverbial nuts.

Done.

2006-12-31T20:09:00.000-05:00

I'm done moving. Well, sort of...the last load is still sitting in the car, waiting to be unloaded. But the apartment is empty and clean and waiting for my friend to move in tomorrow. I was unprepared for the emotions I would feel walking out of that apartment for the last time. I really actually loved living there and I have a lot of really good memories from that place. A lot of bad ones too but let's try to leave that in the past. In the year and a half that I lived there I really changed a lot and had a lot of big things happen in my life. But that chapter has ended and a new one is beginning and now is the time to look ahead. I'm excited about the future and ready to tackle whatever comes my way.

The past two weeks have been completely crazy. I got through it though and a lot of people helped me out in some big ways. I'm grateful to have such good friends. Today was the last day of super crazyness so now I can relax a little. There is still a lot to do but nothing is urgent.

It's 8:30 on New Year's Eve and I don't think I have it in me to go out. I've got some wine and beer and champagne in the fridge and a bunch of boxes to unpack so I guess that is what's on the agenda. Maybe if I'm feeling a little crazy I'll have a pizza delivered. There is the annual New Year's Scul ride to Bunker Hill but I'm just not feeling it this year. I've been pretty content to hang out by myself lately. I'm just not the social butterfly I once was.

Anyway, I think I'll go open that wine and start thinking about unpacking the car. Happy New Year's to all!

Stress.

2006-12-18T22:39:00.000-05:00

I sat down today and wrote a detailed 'things to do' list that outlines everything I need to pack, move, paint, buy, assemble, etc, between today and December 31st, which is the last day I can be in my apartment. Let's just say that the next two week's are not going to be much fun for me. In fact I kind of feel like crying when I think about it. Especially since I am not done with today's 'things to do' and I already feel like I'm about to collapse from exhaustion.

I have officially bitten off more than I can chew.

One foot in front of the other.

2006-12-15T00:33:00.000-05:00

I close on my condo in exactly one week. I'll be glad when it's done. I am still completely overwhelmed by everything going on in my life. I feel like all I can do is just get through the day that is in front of me. My grams is not doing well at all. She's in a nursing home now and she absolutely HATES it. I call her once or twice a day and all she talks about is how she wants to go home and how unhappy she is. But it's really just not safe for her to be at home anymore, she definitely needs 24 hour care now. It's just so frustrating to have this person who has given me so much and I am completely powerless to help her. The most I can do is call and chat with her and try to be cheery and positive and hope that it helps but inside it's KILLING me that she is so miserable.

We all like to think that our loved ones will die peacefully in their sleep, content that they have lived life to the fullest. But anger and depression and pain and denial are often the realities of death. There are stages of dying that no one wants to think about, it is uncomfortable and awkward and horrifying and humbling and it can be drawn out longer than you would ever imagine. No one talks about how parts of a person die before the person as a whole goes. How you watch their personality and charisma and everything that made them who they are just disappear in front of your eyes. And to watch the person you care most about on this earth have to go through that and to know there is nothing in the world you can do to ease their burden, well there are really no words to express how that feels.

Life is not so awesome.

2006-12-03T23:18:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling terribly overwhelmed by life lately.

There is just so much going on right now. Some of it is good stuff, like buying a condo. But even the good stuff comes with stressful attachments. And then there is straight up bad stuff, like my grandmother having to go into a nursing home.

Sometimes I wish that life came with fast forward and rewind buttons. And maybe a pause button for those rare times when life is perfect and you want to savor the moment.

In other news, I seem to have completely forgotten how to flirt. I used to be quite skilled at it. Well, maybe I give myself too much credit. Anyway, lately I have been either completely uninterested in flirting or horribly and awkwardly bad at it. I think I should probably just give up and resign myself to being single forever.

Some days...

2006-11-26T17:00:00.000-05:00

Some days I feel like I'd really like to learn how to tap dance.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T19:18:00.000-05:00

I'm not really all that happy to be in Maine right now. Sometimes, I just don't really like my family all that much. And that feeling makes me not like myself too much either.

I kinda wish I could just skip it, and stay in Boston and be with my friends for the holidays. I know that it would be a lot more fun. But, I think the guilt I would feel about not being home would far outweigh any amount of fun I would have.

My grandmother has taken a turn for the worse. She freaks out every other minute about weird, random stuff. She acts like a child, temper tantrums and all. She forgets every little thing, the second after she does or says it. For all essential purposes...the woman that I think she is in my head...she's already gone.